It’s Monday again. For me this new week begins after a three-day weekend. This week moved by rapidly, not as rapidly as the previous week but rapidly nonetheless. For the most part it was uneventful. In many ways it was a “normal” week. typical with its many ups and downs. Normal for me means more ups than downs.
I spent Friday afternoon meeting with a representative of the Ramada Inn in Amherst. Alison is one of those representatives who really gets it. I enjoyed our conversation very much. Alison requested I put together a 20×30 collage print of Megan and Rob’s January 9, 2010 wedding as there were many photos which showcased much of this fine venue. Alison fell in love with the print and was excited to show my photography to couple’s looking for a wedding photographer. Alison really enjoyed my work as well as the conversations we have had and the conversation turned to her daughter who will be a senior next year. The meeting with Alison was the highlight of my week as the rest of the weekend was difficult to navigate and one I would love to forget.
The rest of this post was difficult for me to write. In writing it I’m taking a nod from a photographer who I respect very much; Jasmine Star. Jasmine who posted an entry to her blog on 1/10/2010 which really touched me. In the post she discussed her battle with depression. While I’m not battling depression I have a family member who is battling Bipolar Disorder. This battle, while difficult for the individual is in some ways equally if not more difficult for the remainder of the family. We see what the person’s illness does not allow them to see. Talk about frustrating. At times it’s like banging my head against the wall just to see if it still hurts. many times I have walked away from these encounters wondering if, in some strange way it really is my fault. That belief coupled with the intense roller coaster of emotions leaves you not only breathless but physically and emotionally exhausted. That feeling of exhaustion coupled with the lack of visible sunlight left me exhausted. On one hand it forced me to not do much of anything this weekend but on the other hand it forced me to not do much of anything this weekend. I had no energy and no desire. Things in que waiting to get accomplished were forgotten about until I shut off the computer. Then like a V-8 moment I remembered the importance and went back to get it done. What makes this illness additionally difficult for me is I remain working as a social worker. as a social worker. I work with patients all week long who attempt to manage this same illness. This is not to say that the task of managing those symptoms is an easy one. I know it is not. Just when I would love to “turn off my brain”, I am forced to keep it on. Overload is difficult to avoid. As I’ve said in previous posts, a few of the things which help me maintain a positive balance are photography, listening to music and reading. Unfortunately when there is little energy left, all three of those things become difficult.
Like Jasmine, I smile all the time on the outside. 95% of the time those smiles are real and the other 5% of the time they’re hard work. I tell myself smiling is better than not smiling. While this is true it still hurts to see a loved one suffer like this. I am legitimately happy the majority of the time but feel sad. Sad this person continues to struggle when there does not need to be a struggle
Valentine’s Day was a wash as Nancy and I continue to struggle with our daughter’s behaviors. There, I’ve said it. It is my daughter who suffers from this illness. Valentine’s Day was a wash. Neither Nancy nor myself felt like celebrating, anything. As we sat down for the evening to watch TV, it was only a brief period of time before we had both dozed off.
I’m looking forward to Monday. I’m looking forward to escaping the uncomfortable feelings associated with this mental illness and working with my patients. More so I’m looking forward to spending some time with some cool couples and some cool events.
The photograph below has dual meaning for me. I love lighthouses and their significance as a historical treasure as well as the beacon of hope for which they stand. There are times when I feel alone and my lighthouse is my photography. For that I am thankful. There are lighthouses all around us. We need to look for them and some of them don’t come in the typical “light house” representation. We need to be open minded to the options and the opportunities around us. It is these things which will lead us out of the dark. My hope is one day my daughter will see the light from her own lighthouse.
As always, thanks so much for reading and keep coming back.
Christopher
